In life many of us end up going through one of the worst heartbreaks of all: being cheated on. Not only did you put all your love, trust and time into someone, but they turned around and disrespected you in the most cowardly way by cheating. One of the most difficult things about recovering from being cheated on is the comparison we make to the other woman, or women. We question our worth, and begin to believe that we were just not good enough to commit to – we may even blame ourselves for our partners actions. If we know the other woman, or have seen what they look like, we compare the way we look to them. We desperately want to find an answer to why we were betrayed, and a lot of the time that blame is focused on us rather than the other parties. However, we can also shift the blame from everyone to the other woman.

A question I’ve been asked countless times by people going through this most painful experience is, should I contact the other woman? Maybe you were married or in a committed long term relationship, or maybe they are. You are experiencing so many crushing feelings and whilst you hate your partner for betraying you in such a vile way, you also hate this woman for going along for the ride. You want her to know what you think of her, but you also want her to know what you think of HIM – what he is really like. How she has destroyed a marriage, relationship, family, all for her and his selfish emotions. You may even want to defend your relationship, and tell her that your man has chosen you and let her know how she didn’t ruin everything.

If you are considering contacting the other woman, I want you to take a deep breath and read what I have to say below.

You are hurting and in a great amount of pain right now, and when our emotions are heightened that is the WORST time to react or confront someone. If this woman cheated with your partner and knew he was in a committed relationship, then do you think she will have the best mindset to either 1) feel regret and compassion or 2) walk away from the situation if you ‘warn’ her that he’s a sh*t.

As painful as it is to realise, the other woman owes you nothing. Regardless of whether she’s married or attached herself, that’s her and her partners problem. This woman owes no loyalty to you, and if you want to contact her to give her a piece of your mind, what long term reaction do you think this is going to have? Do you think in 5 months you will feel better for telling her she’s a tramp who deserves every bad thing that happens to her? Do you think in a years time you’ll feel great for contacting her husband to inform him of her infidelity?

Sometimes it’s actually best to just leave people to suffer in their own ways. The more you react, the more she will either pity you or label you as a psycho – or both.

It’s similar to finding out your ex has moved on quickly, and part of you wants to contact the girl to let her know how toxic he is. Do you think this girl will listen to you over this guy she’s started dating that she thinks is great? Of course not! Best thing to do in these situations is let it fold out, and let them deal with the bullshit that will inevitably come down the line. If they could betray you so badly and deceive you, do you really think they’re going to treat another woman right long term? Hell no.

We tend to put focus on the other woman when we don’t want to look at what is truly upsetting to us – that the person we cared deeply for could hurt us. That our relationship is over and the person we thought we knew we don’t know so well after all. Also focusing on this woman helps us to find a person to blame and to be angry at.

From every person I have ever spoken to who has confronted the other woman, they have regretted it. Their advice instead? Keep your head high, YOU did nothing wrong in this situation. YOU are the one who gave your all to a relationship, who was committed and LOYAL. YOU now need to get out of that toxic situation and DO better. I have hundreds of blog posts on learning to move on, and improving your self esteem – so get working on YOU. Trust me, when you shift the focus to yourself and put all the energy you once did into them (and even this other woman) and pour it all into YOU, you will achieve so much in life. They will regret their actions, but it’ll be too late, and even if they didn’t, you’ll be too busy living such a great life that you won’t care what they think.

Time to shift the focus to YOU not THEM.