Following your gut in online dating
We all have intuition and a gut feeling on things whether we want to believe we do or not. It’s that niggling sensation that shows you something isn’t quite right about a person or a situation – usually something just doesn’t add up. The problem with gut feelings is that they’re quiet, they don’t shout and scream at you “HE’S USING YOU” or “HE’S BEEN CHEATING ON YOU FOR 3 YEARS”, so it’s up to us to listen out for the small signs something is OFF.
I think one of the most difficult things to do is to follow your gut and trust yourself with your feelings. A lot of us may be so disconnected from ourselves, that when something shady is going on, we just pretend we don’t feel it. If you don’t love yourself, you aren’t going to love or trust what your own intuition is telling you, and that can lead to total heartbreak.
The most difficult thing I have found since I’ve been back into online dating is the number of people you meet who are VERY good at telling you what you want to hear. I think The Oscars needs to start an award for “most convincing fuckboy” because there are so many of them out there who know the EXACT WORDS to tell you to make you give them your heart and trust..or at the very least, your body. The problem with WORDS is that they are easily said, disposable and momentary. Many of us on a daily basis say things that we won’t ever follow through with “i’ll call you”, “we should do lunch soon”, “I’ll do it later.” We lie to ourselves and ignore that we aren’t actually going to follow through with what we say, and so if we can lie to ourselves we’ll allow others to do the same to us, because WE DON’T VALUE BEING TRUTHFUL.
The problem with many people today, especially fuckboys, is that they will take lying to the extreme. They may promise you everything you want, tell you that you are the only one for them and then their ACTIONS won’t add up to that.
Whether you want to believe it or not you have most likely dated someone at some point who was blowing smoke up your ass. They’ll tell you that you are all they’re looking for, how they don’t want anyone else and can see a future with YOU. Which is so easy to eat up and believe and hope they are being genuine, because it’s just so sweet. Only that same guy who has just told you those things is now logging onto their online dating app as soon as they leave your house, or disappearing the following night(s) and ignoring all your messages.
We then SEE the shady behaviour, but because we’ve been spoon fed the lines we’ve been WAITING TO HEAR for so long, we don’t want to BELIEVE what’s right in front of us.
Feeling your gut and getting that ANXIETY that something isn’t right may make you start doing CRAZY shit. You may want to stalk the hell out of the guy you’re seeing, check his phone, his social media, follow him to places you know he may be. This is when guys label their exes as “psycho” or “crazy” – because they’ve actually turned us into crazy by lying to us with words and killing us with their ACTIONS. I promise you now if you feel you can’t sleep, you’re so uneasy about the behaviour of your partner or you just know something isn’t right – SOMETHING ISN’T RIGHT. Don’t ignore it, whether you feel you need proof or not, don’t ignore how YOU feel about a situation.
So before I finish this post, let’s evaluate how we stop ignoring our gut:
- Look at ACTIONS not WORDS. This doesn’t mean you immediately need to dump the guy you’re seeing if they don’t align everything they say with what they do. However if you find over time that things he says to you aren’t met with actual ACTIONS, that shows you this person is not CONSISTENT. Nobody wants to date a guy who is INCONSISTENT, it’s unnattractive and it’s shady. If he promises to call you and doesn’t, if he goes AWOL for days then reappears with excuses, if he cancels but SAYS he wants to see you – all typical fuckboy behaviour…and fuckboys can go fuck themselves.
- Feeling CRAZY? If you feel like you’re actually going mad because you have no proof but your instincts are telling you something dodgy is going on. You are NOT crazy, but your behaviour is going to be if you continue seeing this person. Nobody should ever make you feel like this, and if they are then you need to note this is TOXIC for you and it’s time to step away. A lot of the time when we feel crazy, the person we’re with may brand us as though we are and make us feel like we’re “jealous” or “insecure.” I can promise you right now, that if you feel unhinged with the guy you’re with HE’S THE WRONG GUY FOR YOU. A true honest guy would NEVER make you feel that way. Ever.
- Looking for PROOF. We women love a bit of closure and we love a bit of proof. The reason why is because our gut may be so strong, and we may KNOW that our intuition is right but without seeing it for ourselves we just can’t leave. Loving yourself enough to walk away from a situation even though you don’t have 100% clarity that what you feel is genuine is enough. If you are feeling crazy like point #2, then your inner peace should be a priority over proof.
- FEELING AT PEACE. When you finally agree with your gut and walk, you feel this innate sensation of peacefulness. Yes you may question your truth, and especially if they are using WORDS to get you back you may feel weak at times. But if you feel PEACE when you walk away from them, like a weight is lifted off your shoulders when you finally say ENOUGH, that is the biggest sign your gut was right – you don’t need proof. Even if you were wrong, if you feel a relief for finally agreeing with yourself, that’s just showing you this guy was never going to be right for you.
Start respecting your own feelings and listen to that tiny little voice that’s looking out for you. I think a big mistake people make about following your gut is that they think it’ll be so obvious when something is up. They think there will be this huge alarm going off in your mind saying “FUCKBOY – ABORT MISSION”, when in fact your gut is like a best friend giving you a little nudge at a party to let you know you’re drunk and should go home. They’re not going to call you out completely, they’re just letting you know, and it’s up to you what you do with that.