Dating apps: Why you shouldn’t stalk your new date
You meet a guy, he seems great, you go on a few dates and you start to really like him. Another date passes and this time you feel such a connection that you drop all your usual dating boundaries and sleep with him because it just feels right. It’s 2019, why shouldn’t you sleep with a guy you like? You struggle to find guys you actually like anyway and you must really like this one because you haven’t even thought about another guy since you met him. You’re pretty sure he must feel the same seeing as the sex
three times in a night was amazing and he seems keen to see you again, and has been messaging consistently. Your phone beeps with a notification of a new message on a dating app, and you open the app for the first time in forever just to clear the message when BOOM, you see your man…the guy you’ve been consistently dating and sleeping with is ONLINE NOW.
Your mind wanders…who is he talking to? Is he still dating? Was he on a date when he said he was out to dinner with friends? When he was Online on Whatsapp last and didn’t message me, was he actually chatting to another girl? Is he sleeping with someone else? Is he sleeping with EVERYONE? You can drive yourself MAD with thoughts of what he is up to, who he is talking to and whether or not he’s just using you until he finds better. You may even want to call off the whole thing, even if you like him, because if he’s actively dating others then F*CK him and F*CK men.
When it comes to stalking a new date, there are different variations of knowing if someone you’re dating is still using their dating apps. Firstly if it’s Tinder or Bumble, their location will just update – and yes they have to be actively using the app for it to update to a new area. Loads of people LOVE to believe that the app will automatically update unless you log out of it, but it’s wishful thinking. If you can see he has changed location, then he is using the app in a new location. Then you have other dating sites like POF or Badoo, that purely show if you are online – again, some guys when confronted say they aren’t and the website just shows them as being online – again, that’s B.S. Other guys may even change their whole bio or upload new photos, even though they say they aren’t actively using their dating apps since meeting you…LOL okay bro.
However, today I want to discuss the subject of why you shouldn’t snoop on a new guy you’re dating. As someone who has been dating on and off for two years now, I will admit that I have always stalked my dates on dating apps, to see how active they are using them. I have noted (mentally, I don’t have a notebook on this sh*t, honest lol) that the majority of my dates have used dating apps just prior to dates with me, and immediately after dates with me. Yes that sounds crazy that I even checked this, but I honestly felt like snooping and seeing how quickly they went back to the app was a test to see how much they liked me. If they could abstain from immediately going back onto their dating apps after meeting me, then I’d feel great. The truth is that pretty much all the guys I have dated – the majority who stated they really liked me/wanted to see me again/are not seeing anyone else – have jumped straight back on the apps immediately after being on a date with me. *inserts crying emoji*
Snooping is never a good thing, and similar to my why you shouldn’t stalk your ex post I wrote recently, there is a reason you shouldn’t keep tabs on your new date. Here are some reasons why…
- It’s bad for your self esteem. I think this is probably the number 1 reason why I myself am stopping snooping on potential partners, but also why you should if you currently are. We are looking at what these guys are doing and taking it to mean that we are not good enough. Their use of dating apps doesn’t mean that we aren’t a worthy prospect, and it doesn’t mean that they don’t genuinely like us. What it does mean is that they are keeping their options open, which is exactly what we should also be doing.
- It’s an unhealthy waste of time. Just like stalking an ex is pointless and bad for our state of mind, checking up on a potential guy you may or may not be even seeing in a months time is pointless. If you’ve been in the dating game as long as I have, you may realise how you once got upset over a different guy constantly using his dating apps. You may have spent hours, days, weeks checking his location changes or online status, only to now months down the line realise you don’t even give a f*ck, are not even in contact with him and didn’t like him that much anyway. As I’ve said many times, 2019 (or whatever year it is when you read this) is the year of YOU. It’s not about wasting time on fuckboys and guys who you aren’t exclusive with. It’s about pouring all the energy you waste on thinking about men, into yourself again.
- It leads to bad habits if it does become a relationship. If you are already stalking this guys online habits, and questioning his motives, then how do you think this would be if you became official? If you start off with a negative mindset and insecure feelings about his activity, then this may move over into a secure relationship and cause all sorts of problems. I’m not saying play dumb to his behaviour, and if he starts flaking on you and suddenly seems busy all the time then you should be aware that he’s prioritising someone or something else. But don’t allow the thought of him dating and chatting to others to consume you, as that is just the beginning of a very unhealthy toxic behaviour and relationship.
- Instead of looking at what HE is doing, ask yourself WHY you aren’t dating if you have stopped. If you find that you can’t think of anyone but him, then you need to give yourself a reality check that if you aren’t official with this guy then you need to keep your options open. So many women drop everything for one guy, they give that person all their free time and then get extremely hurt and offended when either they notice he is still actively dating or when eventually he ends things. The most valuable lesson to learn with online dating is that you should never EVER focus on one person unless they have told you they are willing to be exclusive with you, and you both commit to each other.
- Stop sleeping with him casually if you want commitment. I don’t care if you’ve had sex 10 times already, if you want more from him then you need to hold off on the sex part. Don’t feel awkward about it, or even feel pressured into doing it because you don’t want him to think you’re weird for suddenly stopping it. I think one of the biggest mistakes a lot of my clients (and my past self) make is giving out all the girlfriend benefits to a guy who takes them then says BYE FELICIA when he’s had enough, and moves onto the next girl. Don’t worry how it looks, if you feel like you want to have sex with someone who you are exclusively seeing…then WAIT FOR THAT EXCLUSIVITY. Even if you’ve shagged a lot already, it doesn’t matter. If you enjoy the sex and have no issue if he’s dating others (which let’s face it if you’ve found this blog post it’s because you don’t like the thought of him with others), then by all means have SAFE sex with this guy. But if you genuinely like him and want more, tell him that as of now you want to wait and see if this is going to become more. If it’s not then you just aren’t comfortable any more sleeping with someone who could potentially be sleeping with others – to be honest, he’ll probably have a whole lot more respect from you if you say that. Plus it’ll be a quicker way of knowing his true intentions, and will give you a clear idea if he actually enjoys your company or was just after the fun stuff.
- It will make you HATE dating and men in general. Trust me, the more you snoop on these guys habits, the more you f*cking hate how this dating game works. Every guy uses the apps a LOT. Even the ones who say to you they’re only talking to you…I’m sorry, but that’s most probably a little white lie they want to tell you to make you feel special. Sure it may be the case if they are genuinely considering committing to you, but if that’s the case, they will commit…NOW. Dating is hard enough these days without adding more fuel to the fire by snooping. For your own sanity, and if you genuinely want to find someone, stop the snooping behaviour and just take them at their actions in person and via contact between dates.
When it comes to stalking your new date on social media, I am all for checking that this person isn’t married or some kind of dodgy catfish. I think it’s almost a necessity to check that someone you are going to meet is who they say they are, and I know from stalking a few potential dates in the past that their social media has shown me that they were not going to be right for me so I’ve cancelled the date. I remember one guy had his Instagram account linked to Tinder, and his ex wife had posted on his photos saying how much of a deadbeat dad he was, how he had mentally scarred his daughter by turning up at his exes house drunk that weekend. He had responded to his ex in a childish way (not denying her claims), and in that moment I was SO BLOODY GRATEFUL that I had seen what I had.
However, even social media stalking can become a self esteem sh*t storm. Have you ever followed a potential date on Instagram to find that they have over 1k of followers who seem to be local skanks from Tinder who all have Snapchat filters as their profile photo, and a bio with the obvious ‘single’ in it. Then you may notice that your potential date has liked every single photo of every single one of these scantily clad skanks (okay they’re probably all lovely, but I’m using typical jealous language here) – and you just feel like yet again a potential good guy is just another creep when you were hoping for a good egg.
This is when it’s time to put the brakes on with snooping, and whilst you may find something you don’t like – don’t go looking for faults. I do NOT believe in consistently stalking social media, or trying to find out as much information as you can about a person before you date or whilst you are dating. A lot of social media is false, and what you see of someone online may not be who they actually are as a person – although I still don’t regret un matching the deadbeat dad. We can also very easily fall into a fantasy relationship with someone if we start finding out more information than they have even told us. These days you can see peoples exes, their parents, grandparents, siblings, best friends…all through a quick social media stalk – and it can make you feel more familiar with someones life than you actually are.
The general consensus of this post, is to not be naive, but to not be cray. Don’t consistently snoop on your new date, and if you like them GIVE THEM A CHANCE to show themselves as being a potential match. In time regardless of their dating app activity, they will show themselves to either be worthy or not worth another minute of your time. Either way, if your status is single, you should be continuing to be single, and that means continuing to date and keep your options open.