Being cheated on is one of the most excruciatingly painful things you can experience in life. Not only have you let someone into your heart, but they have essentially shat all over any and every part of the relationship you had with them. From finding out about the deceit your mind will be swirling with numbness, shock, anger, sadness, heartache in a continuous and endless cycle. You won’t be able to think straight because as soon as you start reflecting on what you thought you had, you now need to change the narrative to what it REALLY was.
That’s when you start remembering grey areas – when they said they were out with their guy mates but now you REALLY know where they were. When they said they were having an early night, or you didn’t hear from them one evening – well now you get it. Or even if they were with you AND the other person the SAME BLOODY DAY.
I feel your pain because I’m going through this raw experience right now myself. I always like to keep this blog as honest as I can so I’ll share my experience briefly so that you know you’re not alone. Deception happens to all of us and don’t EVER make yourself feel as though YOU did something to deserve this. I may write a blog about red flags and fuckboys, but that doesn’t make me exempt from getting caught up with them – but luckily as you’ll read about now, I’m just better at sniffing out the shitty lies.
So I’ve been seeing a guy for the last four months, and even from the start I wasn’t THAT bothered about him. He on the other hand would move heaven and earth to be with me, he travelled the hour car journey multiple times in a week to spend time with me. Eventually over time with the level of effort and the amount of energy he was putting into me, I fell for him too. I did have my guard up though, as there was a female best friend and talk of so many women as “friends.” There were other red flags too, but nothing that was too shocking that made me want to shut down the relationship completely.
However over time of dating him I started to dislike the person I was turning into. I was drinking more – because he drank a LOT. I took up smoking again (he’s a smoker), mainly from the stress of my gut feeling and anxiety. I was spending more, because he liked going to fancy places and spending a lot – on alcohol. I wasn’t studying any more, and I wasn’t training as much at the gym or eating very healthily. I wasn’t blogging!!!! I was questioning my own sanity because there were times I just didn’t feel I could trust him and he would swear blind it was just me being insecure. There were also times that he would tell me I wasn’t listening to him properly because I didn’t remember stories that he had NEVER told me before – clearly telling the other ladies instead. He would bombard me with calls and messages constantly throughout the day so that I didn’t even feel like I had a chance to breathe. It was as though I had allowed his crappy life to consume my own, and I was starting to feel miserable and depressed which is never a good sign.
So how did I find out he was cheating? Well it was HUGELY intuition as he had his tracks SO well covered. Luckily I had him on my Instagram account, and even though we were
meant to be committed and exclusive to each other (at one point boyfriend/girlfriend), I could see who he was adding to his followers and there just so happened to be more and more girls. So me being the clever person I am decided to add one or two of the girls to my business Instagram, that he didn’t know I had. Thankfully one girl – who was private – accepted my follow and I was able to see her account. I followed her for THREE WEEKS before I finally saw her upload a story (that would have disappeared within 24hrs) that showed she had been given the EXACT SAME gifts he had given me from a recent trip away.
When confronted with my revelation I was met with denial and lies. She was “just a friend”, he had never even kissed her, they had only met once. I then contacted the woman herself who set me straight and explained about the months of sleeping together and being way more than friends.
I never got the apology I wanted, I never even got a call answered after that – the pathetic loser cancelled them all because he KNEW he couldn’t lie his way out of things.
So how do you cope with the pain of cheating? Of total betrayal? How do you move on from the destruction it causes to not only your self esteem but to your whole life?
- Be fucking kind to yourself. This is the first and foremost number 1 thing you need to do. You don’t need to berate yourself for being stupid. I don’t care if now looking back it all seems so clear. Unless he was literally having sex with another person in front of you, sometimes you just don’t know/want to believe what your spidey senses are telling you. Don’t get mad at yourself for that at all. I was starting to tell myself how I was a fool, an idiot – but the only fool and idiot is the cheater.
- Cut them off. Do NOT spend time discussing with them what they did to you. You may want answers, you may want to know exactly the extent of their deception. But if there’s one thing a cheater doesn’t do it’s admit the truth, and even if they give you snippets of it, you won’t know the full extent of the deception. If you have your back enough you would cut that toxic piece of shit out of your life and not even let them breathe air to tell you more lies.
- Remove as many memories as you can. For me this meant immediate things that made me feel physically sick such as the bedding we had both slept in the night before I found out his lies. The towel he had last used at mine, his crap still in the bathroom. His shitty gifts he had given me and God knows how many other women. It meant giving myself new bedding, throwing out anything I could. Even if you can’t remove many things because it was a place you shared together, just take away anything that immediately stands out.
- Talk about it. I think sharing what has happened with whoever you can is just one of the most therapeutic things you can do. I spoke to people I barely knew about it and people who I’ve known for years – even strangers can usually relate to what you’ve gone through. I think it’s so important to talk about what you have gone through within the first few weeks or month of the deception. From then on it’s time to fix up and move the fuck on, but initially you need to vent. There are so many emotions that you feel and if you don’t blurt them out then you’ll go crazy.
- Plan your revenge. We all want to have revenge on scum like this, we all want them to feel the level of hurt and pain that we have felt. But let me tell you something…for them to do what they did in the first place means they don’t think/feel/act the way we do. So no matter if you keyed their car or burnt their house down (both not recommended), it wouldn’t make them turn around and say “wow I really hurt her and I feel so bad about it.” The best revenge is cutting these losers completely from your life and moving on without giving them a second more of your beautiful energy or your amazing existence. Let them feel the total loss of not having you in their life any more. You may not feel you’re that special or that they cared that much, but trust me if you really want a cheater to feel pain, then hit them in their ego with no contact.
- Get a new routine. This is important for any breakup, but when it comes to moving on from a total prick of a cheating ex, there will be gaps that you still miss them. Even if you have to give your head a wobble and realise it’s not the real them, you still miss the person you thought they were. It’s time to swap the morning texts with them for messages to friends or family. To spend the evenings you did with them or weekends doing fun things with other people, or even more importantly with yourself. Yes things will be different now but remember every day you spend in your new routine is a day without deceit and lies – doesn’t that actually make you feel a little better?
- Remember who YOU are. Remember you’re the girl who doesn’t tolerate cheating bastards. You’re the girl who is strong enough to walk away and never look back at a pathetic loser who can’t keep it in his pants. You aren’t a liar, you aren’t unfaithful. You have a big heart and are a loving, caring empathetic person who loves deeply and would NEVER hurt anyone. That my friend is a beautiful person to be, and that is the loss this imbecile will never get back from you. Don’t use this pain to evoke a bad side of you. Allow it to show you that even though there are some awful people in the world, you are not one of them.
I know the pain you’re going through, and I can share in all the roller coaster of emotions you are feeling. We have to remember that no matter how much time, energy and love we wasted with that person – we still felt feelings our side and we still were honest and genuine. We were not at fault, and so what we went through – the good times – we can still hold onto because we experienced them and they were true for us. So what if they didn’t ever really love us? We loved, and we are capable of love and that is a beautiful thing to be able to experience.
A person that can lie, manipulate and not love fully is not a person you would want to be. Imagine looking at someone, telling them you love them but not actually loving them? It’s almost laughable on their end, and you have to pity their inability to experience some of the most basic human emotions.
Stay strong, you’ve got this